I'm restarting this blog for my own personal pity. When I write this I don't really want to just be talking to myself, though I know no one is actually going to read this. So in the end I will be basically talking to myself, or maybe not?
Basically I want to know what the hell we are doing here. Why am I suppose to make it through today, tomorrow, or the next few months just to get to the "future". No one is promising that something wonderful is going to be there waiting for me. Mostly likely nothing wonderful will be there at all. So what am I doing trying to make it through all these days just so I can get to a day that will be like the rest. Why does my life feel like a game? Though it is a very unexciting game because it's pretty lonely. If life were a game, I'd like a restart button. I'd like some cheat codes too please.
Please, thank you, excuse me, and I'm sorry are my most used words. What the hell happened to me, why am I such a people-pleaser? And a damn good one at that, for the most part anyway. I enjoy being that person that people know I won't flip out on them, I won't go crazy and yell at them, I won't put them down or push them around, but some people really make me hate that part of me. Some random people deserve to be kicked, but I'm too much of a people-pleaser to do it myself. Other people need to be duck-taped at the mouth for the moment they wake up. I don't want to hear your unintelligent comments, especially directed toward other people. Others need to just go blind, we'd be so much better off if a great percentage of spanish men just couldn't see. Better yet take their hands away as well, they would defiantly get crafty without their eyes. Don't look at me, and defiantly don't touch me. Stop looking at people like you can undress them with your eyes, because you can't and I am mighty thankful for that. I'm not here for your amusement, at least I hope I'm not here for that.
What are we here for? Why is there even a here? Why do we look, act, and feel the way we do? I don't want to look the way I do, I don't mind the way I act but some things about me I wish I could change, and I defiantly don't want to feel the way I do. Honestly though, I don't feel as horrible as I did a few years ago. Getting out of high school really changed a lot for me. It really did make me a lot happier to get away from those selfish people. This rant is just for those few times when I feel really horrible. Today I feel confused. There's a little bit of a pain in my heart and it's because I feel like a pathetic moron. Falling for someone, kind of does that to you. I'm not a person of many words, I used to be but not anymore. For the very reason that I wish I could say the right words that would make a difference. I don't know those words, so I don't say anything important anymore. I want people to know they can come to me, that I'm a great listener and if you do that, you will learn that I am very much a talker as well.
If I had to reply to my own first paragraph, I'd tell myself that we just are. We are just here and we're going to spend the rest of our lives figuring out the reason for the future. Then one day for us, their will just stop being a future. We'll realize that we still didn't figure out what the future was for and that will be ok. I'm also not really expecting anything wonderful to ever happen. Would I like something wonderful to happen? Well of course. One thing I have learned is never to expect anything, it will make you terribly bitter. Also it's never good to think your deserve something. Who are we too expect and deserve? We're just people living, trying to figure everything out. One thing we all do deserve is happiness, so go out and find it. Half the time I should listen to my own advice. You know what would make me happy? To stop letting myself fall into the loneliness that I have come to accept. But I am afraid. I'm afraid of what people think of me. This is why I have turned into a people-pleaser. I only consider myself a people-pleaser when I'm looking down on myself. Which is often but I care about people, so really I just care too much about people. I want people to know how much I care about them. I want everyone to be happy and yet I'm not allowed to tell anyone that because it sounds creepy. It's the truth though. In my mind, I wish for everyone else's happiness above my own. I'm afraid to be happy. I'm not even sure what happiness would really be for me. Would it be pathetic to say happiness to me might mean a guy caring about me. I've never had a guy in my life that cared about me. I grew up, pretty much fatherless. [I might someday talk about it, maybe.] Is it so bad that I might actually need a guy in my life? I am lonely, I do want someone to hold. I can't keep pretending I don't. This mask of independence that I wear is getting old. Yes, I am very independent, but every once and a while I'd like to lean on someone.
I might never let myself be happy, I might never actually let a guy in. Especially a guy that matters. I push the good guys that I like away. I really do. I'm not even sure how it happens, it sort of just does. Then I wake up the next day realizing I totally just destroyed that, and that person never looks at me the same. I won't really spend time getting into that now. I just don't want this to repeat itself this time. I can't help but feel I am already pushing the person I like right now away. You are going to hate me, you'll just be too nice to actually say it too my face. So instead you'll avoid me. Before someone gets the wrong idea I don't actually do anything mean, it's just this weirdness that comes off my words that starts to scare people away. I'm really not even sure what happens, it just does.
