I’m really confused on how I’ve suppose to view myself. I have this idea that I would like to be as perfect, for myself, as possible. Yet I don’t even know what that would mean. Would that really mean that I never get upset, I never yell, I never cry, and that I’m always happy, nice, caring? Too be honest I don’t really get upset, yell, or cry much, actually I probably don’t do it enough. I try my hardest to be happy, nice, and caring around people. So why am I still so hard on myself? Will I really never be good enough for myself? What standards am I comparing myself to? I don’t even know and it’s me. I should know, but I don’t. Not too mention looks. What am I suppose to look like? I try so hard to be at my goal weight, but I just can never reach it. In ways I think I’m afraid to reach it because what happens if I’m still unhappy with my body? Am I obsessed? Yes, yes I am. I know that. It’s un-natural and defiantly unhealthy. To stare at a mirror is torture. I’d like nothing more than to take a baseball bat and beat the crap out of my own refection.

My advice is: Love yourself for who you are. Once you tear yourself down, you can’t stop. You will never let yourself be happy and you should guaranty yourself happiness. It’s your life, no one else should be able to control how you feel. I know we let people do so all the time, but it won’t make you happy.

how come saying sorry comes so easily once youve had sometime to grieve

but still you find a way to wonder why

Behind those walls that won't come down

I'm sure you had more things to say

your upside down and inside out

cause I'm sure you had more things to say

but there's always someone else you blame

oh look where its got you now

you tell yourself it's ok

but I'm sure you had more things to say

"Behind those walls that won't come down, I'm sure you had more things to say"

I had to write this before I forgot it. It's part of a dream I just had and it will sound completely boring to you but it meant a lot to me.

I dreamt that somehow him an his girlfriend were no longer together, he actually posted it on facebook. Then, whoever knows how many days later it actually was, I went back to school and it was a new semester. He was there is my class with a few other people I know. We somehow ended up sitting next to each other and having a random conversation about some sort of technology that doesn't actually exist. On it words would pop up when you were talking to someone else and it would tell you how the person was acting/their mood by what they were saying. So I was talking to this girl who was also sitting by us and we were joking about it. Then he randomly tells me that our conversations on facebook might have been just nice to be but he actually really liked me. But he said it like he still was with his girlfriend but still felt something for me and that he couldn't understand why he was thinking about me. We randomly jumped back into our former conversation to which the girl left and another guy that I know came over to join the conversation. Randomly during the conversation I blurted out that I really enjoyed our conversations too. That I lied how I felt about him and that I actually really liked him. I looked into his eyes as I told him that and then out of my embarrassment I asked him to look away, which he did and I blushed as I looked away as well.

Talking about dreams and actually dreaming them are entirely different. I can remember this part of my dream in my head as if I was dreaming it all over again. Some stuff is getting a little fuzzy, but I can remember how the events made me feel. It made me feel hopeful, wanted, surprised, blissful, and warm inside. When I have dreams like this it's really hard to separate them from reality. Dreams just feel too real for my own good.

Other stuff happened too but that's mainly what meant a lot. Dreams always have hidden meanings, so why does this seem so straightforward? I want him to like me, still. Is that so bad? He hasn't talked to me in 5 days, it hurts. Yet I understand, maybe he knew I was lying when I said everything I said I meant as his friend. It was so stupid of me. He's happy without me, and it hurts. It's selfish, I know that but I have to think of myself every once and a while. I know the things I said didn't have the type of effect on him that I wanted. Yet I wish this dream was real. I wish it would come true. I like him, it's plain and simple. I just can't help it, I can't just let it go, and I don't want to let it go. I have to let it go, I have to, this feeling is making me really lonely. I'm distancing myself from everyone every chance I get. It's not suppose to be like this. I'm suppose to be ok. Getting past this was suppose to be easy. I want to be numb sometimes, I don't want to feel anything. Yet I've been there before, there's still feelings involved in feeling nothing. I'm afraid that I'm going to be alone forever. That I'll never get the chance to let someone in. That I'll never know what it feels like to smile for someone. To get up every morning realizing I have someone to wake up for. That I have someone who I can't wait to see or talk to.

I know who I will be in the future. The woman who comes into work way too early, leaves way too late, goes home to eat dinner alone, fills her head with whatever she can, then goes to bed, and gets up to do it all over again. I know myself to know well enough that I'm not even exaggerating. I will be that person. I am already that person.

I'm lonely.

I just want someone to smile for.

Where am I?

I'm trapped in a place that doesn't consider space or time. Where am I? I don't even know. There is no light, no dark, no air, no sense of any element. The only thing I'm sure about it that I'm not sure about anything. Nothing is familiar, nor is it foreign, there's nothing at all. I'm stuck in this place, that won't let me go. It has no answers, no questions. I'm alone. Where am I? I'm in the worst place to be. You can't see me, you can't feel me, you can't break away from me, so why try? I am you.

There's nothing specific or really important that I want to talk about. I kind of just want someone to talk to. I finally started to really clean out my room. It needed to be cleaned, in some ways if feels a bit empty now. As strange, and common, as this is, as I'm cleaning my room it feels like I'm cleaning out my life. Yet I feel a bit empty now myself. It's not that I like the clutter in either my room or my life but sometimes all of it is just comforting. You get used to some things, and other things you never get used to but those same things you get used to not being able to get used to. Life is so strange.

I'm drained, of it all. I'm having a hard time seeing the point in anything these past couple of days. I'm just a pawn in this game called life. Somedays I really just don't want to play anymore. Can't time just stop for a while, to let me sit in nothingness. I just want to sit there, in a completely empty never ending space of some soothing color. Just let me sit there for awhile, without a thought in my head. I want a break with no worries, no emotions, and not have to worry about time.

"so if somebody is going to fake it, that somebody is going to be you."

Today has been a bit of a weird day. I'm going through a lot of different emotions lately. It's been a lot harder to control my feelings lately. I really hate when I can't control my feelings. For some reason I have this constant need to always be in control of myself. I do fairly well at controlling myself, but on those rare occasions where I can't, I'm really a mess. But that's ok. I'm not perfect, and as long as I don't hurt anyone or effect anyone in a negative way then it's ok. So assuming, and hoping, this really doesn't get out too much I'll tell you what has been going on.

So medium sized story made into a really short story. I liked this guy, didn't really know what was going on, found out last night that he has a girlfriend. So in an attempt to not feel the pain I went running, almost cried but didn't. If it's one thing I don't let myself do, it's cry. As soon as I was about to shed I tear, I realized how foolish it was. The truth is, I'm taking all of it fairly well for one main reason; I want him to be happy. I did tell him I wanted him to be happy and I really meant it. The only bad part about it now is how foolish I feel. I'm just not the type of person to go after someone else's boyfriend. Actually "go after" is really not the right words for it, I more like shy away from them. So yes I feel really foolish and bad about it. Sorry 'girl", truly. But I do hope I can still make an attempt to become friends with him.

Other than that, there's a lot going on this week at school, homework-wise. I need to just make it through the next 3 weeks in an attempt to still get good enough grades to keep my scholarships. It's hard though, I've been trying my hardest and yet I can't seem to get the perfect grades. Which is really frustrating. The teachers her do grade hard, a lot of them don't give out too many A's, and from high school I'm really used to those A's, but not anymore!

So my promise to myself from now until my birthday, is to focus on school and myself. Even though school will be over in a few weeks. So I'm going to attempt to lose 7 lbs by the time I'm 19. I've been losing about a pound a week, though it only has been 3 weeks. I've been exercising for years, and I'm actually pretty strong, and I eat really well but my body hates losing weight. I really just want to be happy with myself. For the most part I enjoy who I am, so I would like to enjoy what I look like as well. I'm really hard on myself though, probably too hard on myself.

So that's pretty much it for now. Might blog again later about something random.

Perfection

"I know that I'm not perfect

but I keep trying

because that's what I said I would do from the start

I'm not alive if I'm lonely

so please don't leave

is it something I said or just my personality"

Perfect by Hedley

We all realize that perfection is impossible. So why even have a word to describe something that isn't even real. It's not like I could tell you what perfection really even is. Your idea of perfection and mine are completely different, or maybe they are quite similar. So why do I want to talk about perfection? Because it controls my life.

Here's how:

• I have become this person who is quiet, and one of the reasons is because I want to be able to say something that is going to make a difference. I want to say all the right, perfect, things.
• I have a bit of an unhealthy view of the way I look. Who doesn't want to look "perfect". So I kill myself sometimes, push myself past limits that I shouldn't, and think things about myself that I hope no one else thinks. Yet after all of that I'm still the same old me, kind of. I'm never going to look perfect. I'm short for someone's-sake, that's already a huge disadvantage to being perfect.
• My personality is made up of all the things I feel people think are healthy to be. It makes me quite boring, and I fade easily in the background. I'm seriously just another face in a crowd.
• My mind constantly is thinking about what I say, think, or do and trying to turn those things into perfection. I fail miserably.

Don't try to be perfect, it is the biggest waste of your life. Not that I know what our lives should be spent on but just don't spend it on that. It will never make you happy, it makes everything worse. I can't say anything without hoping someone didn't take it the wrong way. I look into the mirror and wish to be someone else. It's unnatural and unhealthy. It used to be worse, I'm a little less harsh on myself but I need to cut it out completely. I'm really not so bad, I guess. haha.

first post [yeah original]

I'm restarting this blog for my own personal pity. When I write this I don't really want to just be talking to myself, though I know no one is actually going to read this. So in the end I will be basically talking to myself, or maybe not?

Basically I want to know what the hell we are doing here. Why am I suppose to make it through today, tomorrow, or the next few months just to get to the "future". No one is promising that something wonderful is going to be there waiting for me. Mostly likely nothing wonderful will be there at all. So what am I doing trying to make it through all these days just so I can get to a day that will be like the rest. Why does my life feel like a game? Though it is a very unexciting game because it's pretty lonely. If life were a game, I'd like a restart button. I'd like some cheat codes too please.

Please, thank you, excuse me, and I'm sorry are my most used words. What the hell happened to me, why am I such a people-pleaser? And a damn good one at that, for the most part anyway. I enjoy being that person that people know I won't flip out on them, I won't go crazy and yell at them, I won't put them down or push them around, but some people really make me hate that part of me. Some random people deserve to be kicked, but I'm too much of a people-pleaser to do it myself. Other people need to be duck-taped at the mouth for the moment they wake up. I don't want to hear your unintelligent comments, especially directed toward other people. Others need to just go blind, we'd be so much better off if a great percentage of spanish men just couldn't see. Better yet take their hands away as well, they would defiantly get crafty without their eyes. Don't look at me, and defiantly don't touch me. Stop looking at people like you can undress them with your eyes, because you can't and I am mighty thankful for that. I'm not here for your amusement, at least I hope I'm not here for that.

What are we here for? Why is there even a here? Why do we look, act, and feel the way we do? I don't want to look the way I do, I don't mind the way I act but some things about me I wish I could change, and I defiantly don't want to feel the way I do. Honestly though, I don't feel as horrible as I did a few years ago. Getting out of high school really changed a lot for me. It really did make me a lot happier to get away from those selfish people. This rant is just for those few times when I feel really horrible. Today I feel confused. There's a little bit of a pain in my heart and it's because I feel like a pathetic moron. Falling for someone, kind of does that to you. I'm not a person of many words, I used to be but not anymore. For the very reason that I wish I could say the right words that would make a difference. I don't know those words, so I don't say anything important anymore. I want people to know they can come to me, that I'm a great listener and if you do that, you will learn that I am very much a talker as well.

If I had to reply to my own first paragraph, I'd tell myself that we just are. We are just here and we're going to spend the rest of our lives figuring out the reason for the future. Then one day for us, their will just stop being a future. We'll realize that we still didn't figure out what the future was for and that will be ok. I'm also not really expecting anything wonderful to ever happen. Would I like something wonderful to happen? Well of course. One thing I have learned is never to expect anything, it will make you terribly bitter. Also it's never good to think your deserve something. Who are we too expect and deserve? We're just people living, trying to figure everything out. One thing we all do deserve is happiness, so go out and find it. Half the time I should listen to my own advice. You know what would make me happy? To stop letting myself fall into the loneliness that I have come to accept. But I am afraid. I'm afraid of what people think of me. This is why I have turned into a people-pleaser. I only consider myself a people-pleaser when I'm looking down on myself. Which is often but I care about people, so really I just care too much about people. I want people to know how much I care about them. I want everyone to be happy and yet I'm not allowed to tell anyone that because it sounds creepy. It's the truth though. In my mind, I wish for everyone else's happiness above my own. I'm afraid to be happy. I'm not even sure what happiness would really be for me. Would it be pathetic to say happiness to me might mean a guy caring about me. I've never had a guy in my life that cared about me. I grew up, pretty much fatherless. [I might someday talk about it, maybe.] Is it so bad that I might actually need a guy in my life? I am lonely, I do want someone to hold. I can't keep pretending I don't. This mask of independence that I wear is getting old. Yes, I am very independent, but every once and a while I'd like to lean on someone.

I might never let myself be happy, I might never actually let a guy in. Especially a guy that matters. I push the good guys that I like away. I really do. I'm not even sure how it happens, it sort of just does. Then I wake up the next day realizing I totally just destroyed that, and that person never looks at me the same. I won't really spend time getting into that now. I just don't want this to repeat itself this time. I can't help but feel I am already pushing the person I like right now away. You are going to hate me, you'll just be too nice to actually say it too my face. So instead you'll avoid me. Before someone gets the wrong idea I don't actually do anything mean, it's just this weirdness that comes off my words that starts to scare people away. I'm really not even sure what happens, it just does.